My Yoga Nidra Story Part 2
In Yoga Nidra, I can drop into a meditative state effortlessly. And in that space I get to hang out with my subconscious mind and see what’s lurking in there, waiting to be seen and healed….
My first yoga teacher, Barbara Occleshaw included meditation in every yoga class, and I have had some very weird and wonderful experiences in dark village halls on rainy Wednesday nights in the early 2000s…. but seated meditation is quite hard to master. Lying down under a blanket in Yoga Nidra, however, I can drop into a meditative state effortlessly. And in that space I get to hang out with my subconscious mind and see what’s lurking in there, waiting to be seen and healed….
Exhaustion & fatigue have been hanging around me for longer than I want to admit…. I have been to my doctor countless times, struggling with fatigue. Each time, they take blood, check my iron and it always comes back ‘normal’ and that’s the end of that.
I have put it down to peri-menopause / full-blown menopause / time of life, but I really felt there was something deeper going on.
So, one day in a long, juicy Yoga Nidra, I felt myself dropping into the deep, silent space that I love, and I asked the question into the void ….
What is it with this fatigue?
And a part of me answered – ‘Deep Healing’…. And I had a vision of my femininity, the very essence of the female and the Mother inside of me being under attack, for all of the years that I brought up my four boys solo.
The constant stress from strained relationships with their Dads and new partners.
The court hearings, the squabbles over Christmas, birthdays, holidays.
Defending myself from lies and being patronised about my parenting.
Feeling trapped inside my own home with an ex on the roof of my garage banging on the windows, calling my landline over and over.
My house broken into.
My phone calls recorded.
I was painted as a terrible person to the Dads’ new partners and to my own children, and to myself.
‘Don’t take that to Mummy’s, she’ll only lose it / break it.’
‘Take those clothes off; they are dirty. You wear these clothes in this house. Mummy’s clothes go in this bin-bag until you go back.’
‘This is your real family. You have to go to Mummy’s because the court says so, but this is where you really belong….’
‘Your children hate you.’
‘The first time I have my child on his own, you will never see him again.’
‘I’ll finish you, bitch.’
And on, and on.
In the complete stillness of my Yoga Nidra, all these memories merged into one tsunami of
STRESS, FEAR and EXHAUSTION.
A wave of tiredness that I have been holding back, hanging on by my fingernails, trying to keep all the plates spinning... this wave crashed onto the shore… and I felt the Mother in me always under attack and never seen for how much I sacrificed for my children, how much I adored them and did everything I could to give them a great childhood.
I was just seen as enemy no 1. To be defeated and taught a lesson. How dare she leave me???
The answer to my question became crystal clear...
Deep, long-lasting stress takes a lot of DEEP HEALING.
And so, as Karen Brody always says… Permission to rest is granted.
So where did the answers and visions tumble from?
In any deep meditation my aim is to bypass the conscious, ego-controlled mind and try to have a dialogue with the sub-conscious. Because the mind is like the classic ICEBERG – the part we see on the top of the water is small compared to the vast mass underneath. The mind is like this too. And in the vast ocean of awareness that is the sub-conscious, you have all the answers. It is hard to access this all-knowing space when the front of your mind is so full and so, so busy.
In Yoga Nidra, we deeply relax the layers of ourselves that keep us from seeing this essence of who we are. It’s a systematic process and if you can fall deep, without falling asleep, you can drop into stillness with no thoughts wrestling you away. Then you can ask for whatever answers you are seeking, and then just WAIT. And if the answers don’t come, or don’t make sense, you have turned a key in a lock, and things will start to come to you, over time. The truth has been given permission to be revealed, and to be healed.
I don’t always go to this space or get such profound revelations, but if you practise Yoga Nidra often and regularly, your body and mind get to know the routine and more readily let the layers fall away.
Yoga Nidra can be just a 15 minute relaxation technique, yes, of course.
But the real treasure can be found when we dig a bit deeper.
Try a Yoga Nidra for yourself here: Student Resources